lovelorn

what a long hiatus!

2006-02-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

MAN! its been such a long time since i last blogged..
didnt really feel like it then...
well after, or rather in between, chinese new year, everything's gonna be new rite?

so i figured i started blogging again till i cant, thats when i go into the army..
for me now, there's not going to be anymore such lovey dovey stuff..
more boring stuff i guess..

i'm trying to get a job now, looking for it over the net. Hopefully e employers think
highly of me n give me e job, seeing my crappy resume and a pic of me posing for my dad's cam... haha thankfully u don't get to see it.. i hope

i just need the money to curb more materialistic desires, well i tink they are... i need a new phone man! anyone who sees my phone will agree. its.. hopeless. cant even lock keypad n disconnect from a call..
what kind of phone is tis man!

im re-watching a kungfu serial called 'yi tian tu long zi'... my fav man. now into 17 disc out of 21 in 3 days... haha siao rite?

the love story's real nice, besides the fighting... lucky guy, havin 4 girls liking him at e same time... well i guess thats just a fantasy.

my life has, thus, been rather slack... thankfully for the red packets which has sustained my pockets. i guess i gotta continue searching for a job..

chaoz

heavy hearted

2005-12-12T10:08:00.000+08:00

i'm really confused on what to do...

in a real dilemma, one which i never thought i would be in

well i tink i just have too many hats to wear, too many parts to play n must focus. tis has really been a pressing matter and i seriously know not what to do...

as u know, i'm supposed to perform on sunday during oasis at around 630... however as we are short of rehearsals, i need to make time for them.. this week, being so packed on its own, i need to make time for them, which means sacrificing sunday too..

but two things are at stake.. because the rehearsal's at 1 and my sis' birthday is e same day and i feel really bad already to have e performance on her day.. N we're supposed to celebrate it in the morning wif dimsum.. Now i dunno whether can make it. Also my church's service is at 2 and i'm serving as e drummer.. not that i cant skip the service, but i dun wan to as it is still my church...

my mum has rightly complained to me about my loyalty to my church, KKMC.. indeed i've been too preoccupied wif my fren's church and its seriously affected my involvement in my own church.. i never thought i would face such a thing as i always viewed myself as staying in KKMC no matter what... besides i'm a youth leader so what would the consequences of me leaving on my youths?? i dun wan to even imagine...

haigh... need to seriously pray about this. need prayer too.. what to do?
pray that everything goes smoothly and i really need to back out on invlovement in their church.. not saying being involved is a bad thing but i need to reorganise my priorities...
Maybe God put me in this weird situation to make me depend on Him more and come back to Him as i have been drifting... well hopefully tml's church camp will help put my relationship wif Him back in place...

i'll just have to pray and wait upon Him..
Faith.

back

2005-12-10T16:13:00.000+08:00

been a while since i last blogged

well quite busy wif all e preparations n rehearsals... tis week is gonna be a really packed one.
tml rehearsals for oasis, mon having a bbq-steamboat gathering wif mr neo n s11, tues to fri yf camp, sat my church's christmas outreach n sun is oasis..

man i really need strength to last it all... i have also been entrusted to followup on e person whom i brought to christ.. not a bad thing but its my first time so i need prayer...( ur cue to say ok n do so) haha

i hope more people will sign up for saturday's christmas outreach, having been singing carols to the neighbourhood for 4 yrs running.. lots of preparations underway n everyone's praying. its harvest time n i hope it would be bountiful..

love tis verse which really speaks to me.. gonna leave u wif it
Phillipians 4:6-7 (by memory, if wrong pls dun blame me, just ask me to memorise harder!)

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer n petition, present your requests to God, and the peace which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts, soul and mind in Christ Jesus'

Smile

prom

2005-12-06T21:51:00.000+08:00

well yesterday was prom.. it was a success i guess
e hotel was realli nice, looked a little like a birdcage though..
i felt a tired after all that though...

went earlier to buy leather cuffs wif jx then got myself a necklace.. was caught in the rain so had to take a cab from heeren to marina mandarin, the hotel we had our prom. we had booked a room so we checked in earlier, and the girls kicked us out to change n do makeup n stuff.. in e end, we played cs before goin back to e room to change..

those naughty buds of mine actually tried to film me bathing la! crappers, so many mirrors in the toilet.. N arif n jeremy actually went swimming before prom! haha slack sia... anyways it was real fun getting ready.

prom was not bad, everyone had fun i guess... i was, of course, saboed to go on stage to talk to this comedian who's really corny.. well yahui won prom queen which is worth a mention. arif, jeremy, charis n her were in e running for prom king n queen.. haha wasted never progress..

anyway im glad everything went the way it did.. after prom we went to walk walk n bz found out that she lost her wallet n had a surprise.. well we had to retrace our steps, search e whole room but was still futile. N i guess for me n the whole saga, all's well liao.. gave her the letter n everything's finally off my chest.. finally can revert to good friends le..

guess from now on it'll be less emo, of which e guys would be happy cuz they keep saying i always too emo.. haha anyway i was really tired but slept for 4 hours le so later slp a bit more then watch soccer le.. liverpool vs chelsea. haha so long nvr watch soccer..

i need to find a job though not sure how to start off.. N all that i planned before A levels, to learn simple Korean, to cultivate a reading habit and all, i haven put it into reality yet. soon i guess, i shd stop procrastinating n start doin..

i guess i'll stop here.. go slp le..

long story

2005-12-05T08:06:00.000+08:00

these two days have been really long for me
to cover them i'll probably be writing a thesis, well maybe a lil exaggerated, haha

on fri, which was Charis' birthday, we had lots of fun, eating, playing 'pig' of which i am really relieved i din end up being or i had to do a forfeit, being sure i would regret doing...
well we gave Charis a pair of bedroom slippers... haha her mom was really good in giving advice man, the guys sabo n asked her for help... she said, ' tell her to find the diamond in you'...
phwoar!! power man Charis' mother, like love guru, lol

anyway it later rained n she still hadn't come becuz of cell... more or less, everyone knew n i was trying not to think to much or i would be too stressed to tell her. when she came, e guys kept giving me signals to do it, but i couldn't find the right moment, besides i felt she knew it through her eyes... anyway they left a lil earlier n jx n alvin tried to catch up wif them.. in my mind i was really afraid. they were running away from us? bad sign, so i decided not to give chase but was dragged all e way there by the two...

reaching them we thought they had left by bus but apparently they missed it so they ran past me to the mrt station.. at that moment, i was absolutely lost.. they told me to go meet her at her house but i dismissed it, thinking that my chance tat day was gone, preferring to tell her during prom, but maybe it was mere procrastination.. then they told me tat she knew about it, bz,yy,jx n alvin... i just stood there n all of a sudden, yy or bz said they had missed the train.

they started thinkin of how to leave me alone to talk to her but i wasn't sure i could. i felt the situation was rather tense but i chose to ignore everything... bz told me to go over as she was talking on the phone while at a distance, which they said was her giving me a chance to talk to her... well before i could or wanted to do anything, she returned then asked bengs how she was goin home. i wanted to just give her the letter since she knew something was goin on. but i didn't... after a while, think bengs' dad came or something, then fetched her oso... after they left, jx,yy n bz asked me y i din do anything. well i myself din noe either..

turns out, as they told me, she suspected something n her suspicions were confirmed by bengs.. said tat she didn't want me to tell her cuz didn't want to spoil our friendship.. at that moment after things had gotten out of hand, i really hoped i hadn't planned anything at the start as this was really terrible, our friendship was at stake. then thinkin that since she knew, i had to do something. so we discussed over what should be done.. calling was out, so was mailing the letter which would take far too long. msging was ultimately e best option while they wanted me to do a voice recording or a video of me reading the letter which i thought was too much.. on my mind was just how to salvage a soon-to-be-ruined friendship. so in the end we decided on just sending a text msg, which took quite long for us to decide... bz read my letter n said it was good,but i was contemplatin whether to pass to her... well i shd if she wanted to read it cuz it was self explanatory. then yy told me she thought that i was coming to meet her at her place... i wasn't sure whether i shd..

then she replied shortly n told me her side of the story, asking if i was coming. so i made plans n told her i was, if it was ok wif her.. ended up she called me telling me she was really tired.. well its alright wif me, especially if she was tired cuz next day she had to work... at the end of it all, my sadness was hampered by jx, as he had a worst blow.. a close uncle of his had passed on. he was devastated n i tried to comfort him as much n as best as i could... thank God he's fine now.. Thank God that God prepared me for what was to come n everything.. Perhaps she's not the one He prepared for me.. well i guess we'll be better off being as frens, hopefully very good friends...

well the prom's later, hopefully everything goes smoothly... hope i dun get saboed too much and all.. haha
pray it'll not be awkward when we talk later... i'll probably give her the letter before prom. then she'll understand more of what's been going through in my mind...

to me, though it didn't go my way, i'm really glad it was amicably settled n not left sore..
i'll hav to go le
cya n i'll keep smiling

yipee or haiya?

2005-12-02T18:45:00.000+08:00

well tonite's e nite man

im gonna tell her, very likely.

hope i can bring the msg across rite... well i hope i dun stammer or anything
i'm actually still rewriting the letter to make it more presentable even though e new one still isn't..
haha well i dunno whether i shd be happy or sad. maybe ambivalent? lol

listening to breathing now makes me recall the time i wrote the letter in sentosa, well the first draft. i almost cried, i think... well its just tat the song really applied to me.

am i too emotional? haha i dunno.. realli...
well now very hungry cuz just after the badminton tournament... well... i played well and won.. haha i'm not proud, just happy that i did not let my friends down..

ok la back to finishing the letter and head to charis' house for her birthday party! BBQ... haha
yummm...

hope to return a somewhat happier man... haha well anyway im not expecting positive things from this, but i just hope i can take it... friends will do, or good friends rather.

Peace

i guess im screwed

2005-12-02T08:34:00.000+08:00

crap i did something realli stupid

after eating dinner together wif alvin,jx n her on wednesday evening, she called me yesterday saying that i forgot to return her 10 bucks. She seemed realli sure, well so was i that i returned her.. but thats not the case. i told her well its probably with me so i suggested that i pass to her the money as well as my cartel discount card as she was meeting ODACians for dinner there.

she suggested a few times to emit the money into her account but the gang who was wif me shopping told me to meet n pass it to her.. but i did the stupidest thing when she called... now im totally regretting it...

she told me to come to cine to pass to her when i was in wisma... a distance which i should have walked! in the end she said she'll borrow from someone n asked me to pass e 10 bucks to her during prom... man i regret my decision to not going there and then, i feel so dumb.. actually wanted to show her that i could and would be there for her when she needed help.. well im just... (fill in the blanks for me ya?)

i thought it would have been a good day... seeing so many familiar people on the street which they guys say was a good sign or rather to me was just that Singpore was just too small... im realli depressed now, blogging while listening to slow meaningful songs... realli dig breathing by lifehouse which more or less represents what n how i feel.. she's online now n i feel horrible.
msged her tat i was sorry for not going to pass to her in a laugh-it-off kinda manner n she din reply... i tink that was kind of obvious n now i dunno what to say to her... How nice things would go my way but apparently things are not. Perhaps these r signs which God wants to tell me whether or not she's the one. i find it sometimes really difficult to let go off things which r not in God's will... especially in affairs of the heart.

encouragement from friends r realli a blessing which have kept me to where i am now... haigh just dunno what to say now..oh i just dyed my hair yesterday.. tink i look like a beng now.. heck la

i plan to wear rather formally for prom but like that would busted the guys... dunno how la, initially thought the nite would be one to remember, just wishing that i could dance the night away wif my china dance partner... well as it appears it may not be meant to be... i know deep down that i shouldn't give up but... a small part or rather a certain part of me is losing hope.

shd i just whack as i normally do? this means much more to me than what i have dealt with before... man its hard.. well i got to go for the badminton tournament soon.. hope to smash my blues away. so cya

just thinking.

prom fever

2005-11-29T23:39:00.000+08:00

its actually thurs post, dunno how to copy over... nvm

'today we're goin to buy our prom clothes as we hav put it off for a long time
n next mon is it... dunno whether we can finish buying on time.
I realised tat its realli difficult to buy male formal wear becuz its more or less e same, thus diff to be outstanding or special... blazers n coats more or less the same pattern n colour
wonder if anyone's gonna turn up in all white, like prince charming??

well tink im gonna get a hair dye asap so can quickly apply on my hair... tinking of getting it ash colour, tink it looks quite nice. yest was quite diff, toked to her on msn in e mornin while she was still at work, so slack man! haha durin e afternoon she called me to help her get a pair of slippers as hers broke at work... so just bought it lor. tink she said she liked it.

more so recently, i felt tat she seems different to me though i tink she knows tat i like her... she at first was not as enthu, now much better.. i dunno or maybe its just me? its probably just me i guess, always tink too much. i realli wish i could be every little thing she wanted man...

right now im motivated by her n various songs to pick up classical, or rather, pop piano.. im not tat good now but i have to start somewhere right? trying to pick up some final fantasy soundtrack which really sounds awesome...

the more im with her, the happier i am, i dunno y. guess this is wat love does.. haha
actually i was tinkin to go all out to woo her but im afraid it might backfire... yy,jx n alvin have all encouraged me to do tat, but frankly, i dunno how to go about doin tat... i'll willing to do almost anything to achieve a happy ending, but if she's not happy, its no use...

one day left, dunno whether i have e chance to tell her then cuz she's comin later after cell... hopefully i get the chance n it would not be tat awkward. tis weekend, in any case, is gonna be a packed one... tml i have a badminton tournament, which my friends wan me to win to get the prize n share... oso tml's charis' birthday n we're celebrating at her place, also e place which i plan to tell her... sat i'm joining in the givin out of pamphlets of invitation to e neighbourhood rearding Dec17's christmas service where a live skit n musical would be presented.. tis would cap 5 yrs of outreach to the neighbourhood, as we've been singing carols in the carpark to them every year for 4 yrs consecutively... I pray tat they would be touched by God Himself n wan to know more about the God tat has been so faithful to us... the same God who comforted me thru tis whole thing, i would have just chickened out as before... He thought me how to see people in the inside too... im not perfect now, but i like to think im nearing... haha

well hope all's well, ends well... gonna go buy prom stuff le... cya
she'll always be in my heart:)

what to do?? really confused

2005-11-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

ok... now i realli dunno wat to do
im realli super duper confused... i poured out my heart in a letter i planned to give her
but now i dunno whether i should do anything...
am i scared? i dunno... tat's worse than being scared...

love is really fascinating yet can be painful at the same time... pining on for someone can be really tiring too.. my buds encouraged me to touch her through my actions
dunno whether it'll work... she might just mistake it for mere friendship

to me, i tink i'll satisfied wif just being there for her n making her happy... even if it means letting her go.. as Richard Marx song 'Now and Forever' goes, if u let her go n she comes back, you'll know she's yours... i wonder if the one God prepared for me is actually her? well i'll never know till God reveals it to me...but i really wish it were her... to me, she's... well she's just .... perfect. nothing less

increasingly i feel this may just be, or most probably, a one way traffic... well there goes my heart again... but i would want her to be forced to accepting me if she's not gonna be happy wif me... i'd rather she go wif someone who she is happy wif..

this question just goes thru my head... What can i do to make her love me? sometimes i feel inferior... i dunno.. just no courage,wif e willingness to just fall down and suffer on my own.
i shd just stand up for myself n go for it... confused! argh...

if only life revolved only around love.. would'nt it just be so wonderful... n time to stand still.. how i wish i dun hav to do anything man but unfortunately u r responsible for wat happens so... i'll rather let God take control..

friday's comin, shd i tell her then? perhaps i should not tink so much n just whack... i dunno i'll just see how it goes...

whirlwind

2005-11-27T23:05:00.000+08:00

wow lots has happened in the span of a few days n i hope everything goes for the better
well just hope she doesnt read this... even if she reads it, oh well
she asked me what my nick was about...(obviously her)
how do u tell someone who's interested about who u like that the person is actually her???
i spent part of sat afternoon to write a letter to her
wrote around 2 pages and a bit more
dunno how im gonna go about telling her
see how it goes...
goin off

forgone situation?

2005-11-26T00:08:00.000+08:00

today may start what you call a chain reaction of misfortunate events
haigh... where to start...

ok today wanted to jog wif jx n alvin
then after preparation n leaving for jx's place, i realised it was raining
so no choice n i went home..
then later went to meet up wif alvin to cut my hair
n the guy cut my hair too short!

after tat i needed to go to tan tock seng for medical review so i took a bus
to toa payoh n took a train from there.
then i realised today was my blurrest day ever n i mean ever...
i took e train towards novena n thought my stop was at newton...
but i missed both n reached orchard becuz too engrossed reading the newpaper
so i went to take e other way... upon reaching newton i alighted n exited, walking towards e exit heading for tan tock seng, i realised it did not look familiar... then i realised tat it was at novena
ok so i went back n boarded the train... then i heard e train sounding,'next stop... ORCHARD'
tat meant tat i had taken the train movin at e wrong direction... man in total i wasted more than 40 mins n was late for e appointment as a result...

crap... does this mean it'll all go downhill from here? i getting increasing afraid of what's going to happen if i tell HER my feelings. right now i'm talking to her but she doesnt seem to be concentrating... well it is frustrating to me... realli..

i'm like so lost;even though i noe i hav to do something abt it, there is fear in me... maybe its rejection... well she to me, as i hav mulled over, has the attributes of my dream girl. this may sound clishe but tats how i feel man... i often get moody so much so tat my frens always try to cheer me up. on the outside i may seem forever joyful but once lovestruck, i would be in my own world, thinking, dreaming, mulling,wondering... well just wishing everything would go my way...
my brothers hav 'encouraged' me to confess through making me pay for their prom expenses if i dont...

argh!!! i wish God would give me a sign whether anot this would work out... well thinking over, i'm not sure whether y i am afraid... it maybe just tat i dun wan to lose such a great gal n fren... it may sound insane but i've been even dreaming she becomes my wife!?! Am i getting psychotic? obviously not! i am still very sound, n its just a thought... 10 days away only to prom... hopefully it would be a fairytale... hopefully my hair grows longer n looks better... hopefully i get more courageous to do stuff n no one will keep tellin me to be a man...

is it so hard to find ur soulmate? i really wonder... its not by chance ppl come into your life n absolutely takes ur breath away... well God made it happen... so i know She's in my life for a reason... to make wonderful memories... i just wish we could keep on making memories...
man i m hopelessly lovesick la.. i could keep goin on n on n on n on.. but no.. seriously... i need to plan wat to do... not to make me feel like a jackass... i just wanna make it perfect... no pressure on her watsoever to compromise.. must let it be true so that if something materialises, it would last

well im just dreaming of HER now... hope to bring back gd news...

my thoughts

2005-11-25T08:54:00.000+08:00

crap such a long time since i blogged
these few days have more or less summed up my JC life
stayed over at jx's place to watch soccer along wif alvin on tues
had our last paper yest then watched harry potter
not a bad show though

things r probably going to change very soon
i hope for the better though
i need to reorganise my life, get a job
get fitter n spend more time with God
*sighs* i've been rather tired lately
n i hope everything goes rather smoothly from here
well my frens forced me to do something about HER
i'm of course really afraid cuz i dun wan the current relationship to turn sour
thankfully for my frens who continually give me encouragement
n motivation
they've even given me homework to do...
haha
well i really need to think n plan not only for this but the performance
n the testimony i giving
i pray that those who r going for OASIS on 18 dec will be touched by God

i guess i need to go... meeting alvin n jx to jog
back soon

my first

2005-11-20T00:26:00.000+08:00

this is my first of many
hopefully i can update regularly
cuz im realli lazy so must pardon me
haiya so many things going thru my mind now
dunno where to place them
but i need to sleep soon cuz tml got church n im doing backup singing
many events upcomin so hopefully everything goes smoothly
well im off n God bless...